I wish I could find some form of peace and happiness within myself. It seems like all my happiness comes from external sources for validation and affirmation. The sad thing is, that's how I've been my whole life, so it's not like I know any better. I wish I was independent and didn't rely on anyone to make me happy or feel loved. I'm always so emotionally invested that at the end of the day, I'm the one who drowns in my own pool of sorrow. Whenever I meet someone, I always prepare myself to be ready to leave at any given moment... and I do think I am capable... I just need some time to recuperate. But some days, I feel weak and wish for sunshine and rainbows... like guaranteed emotional stability.

Sleepy

I like to skim through my previous posts before blogging just to see where I last left off (not that it will contribute to continuity or have some form of cohesion) but I enjoy being reminded of my previous mental state. And, what the hell... why do I sound so depressed? 

I really needed this break and enjoyed my time in Korea, being surrounded by my family. They really do keep me grounded and motivate me to live a fulfilling life. Although my life isn't perfect by any means, I think I'm happier now. 

I want to elaborate on this but I'm too sleepy... Will continue later.

Lately I've been more emo than usual... and the fact that I am admitting this means I've probably been an emotional wreck for quite some time. At first I brushed it off, thinking I was having an off-day... but since this off-day has turned into weeks and now months, I am realising I should probably do something about it. It's always easier to find blame externally (which comes frighteningly natural to me), rather than looking at what's actually wrong with myself on the inside. Perhaps it's my thinking process, the way I perceive the world, or maybe I've got the foundation all wrong. I really don't have a definitive answer. Everything is just differential diagnosis... which doesn't make anything easier. I'm just going in circles now.

At any rate, upon self-reflection, I've deduced a flowchart that could explain one of many aetiological factors as to why I am the way I am:

Insecure => hypersensitive => extreme self-defense => unable to accept conflicting opinions => unadaptable => stubborn => perception as a narrow-minded bitch => ultimately misunderstood

Now, if I'm such an expert at unraveling my problems, why can't I solve my issues? Fuck, if only I had all the answers in the world...

On a different and unrelated note, I miss the piano. I don't miss performing on a fancy stage in a fancy dress. I miss playing with all the lights turned off, just looking out the window on a seemingly normal night to no audience. I miss listening to good artists... not the uber-known flying fingers, but the ones who can move me... the ones who can pierce the very center of my jaded heart and make me say "wow, that stings"

First love is like Romeo and Juliet - seems like the whole world is against you and your love together. At the time, it makes you want to rebel even more and fight for the love of your life... it makes you want to do irrational things, like give up your life, envision eternity with him, and live happily ever after. Of course, over time, unforeseen circumstances happen and coupled with logic, you both decide it's not meant to be, even though at the time, you couldn't even wrap your head around the idea of not being with him. Funny how time operates. Although our breakup put me into a comatose-esque depression, I'm now at a point where I can look back and smile at the good times we've shared. I'm not sure if I believe in "love" anymore. I was brought up to believe that "love" wasn't based on feelings alone - it's a lifelong commitment and respect for one another. But times have changed and I'm not sure if this concept still exists... but I guess you have to keep treading water if you want to stay afloat.

Blogging is such a dilemma. I don’t want to record anything stupid that will forever remain in the infinity space of the cyberworld, but at the same time, I want to record however the fuck I feel so that I can read back and see how far I’ve come. At any rate, it has only been 4 months since my last post but a lot of traumatizing events have occurred to have made me into the person I am right now. I’m not really sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. As always, I do what I do best and run away from the problem by brainwashing myself with selective memories. If I think too much or try to rationalise it, I end up digging my own grave since I still can’t separate emotions from logic. Perhaps I don’t need to learn to separate the aforementioned entities… maybe I just need a different outlook on life… I don’t know. Attempt at self-diagnosis.

Life

I think it's safe to say I'm slowly losing faith in humanity. I just can't seem to trust anyone... not that I was ever sure of trusting anyone in the first place... but it's just sad that even the slight glimmer of hope I've had is starting to fade. According to experienced beings, this is apparently life. I don't want to believe them but then maybe I'll forever be living in naivety.

When I talk to people my age, they tell me I'm jaded; when I talk to people older than me, they tell me I'm innocent. Perhaps I'm a bit of both. I guess this is another learning block in life and I have to deal with it but it's just such a sad realisation. All I want is genuineness. Is that too much to ask for? If I don't want to get played, I have to play the game... but do I even know how to play the game? It's just a massive headache. Why can't people be honest with and to each other? Honestly, what are you trying to accomplish in life? *sigh*

Re-Resurrection

I totally forgot that I even had this blog. My attempt at recording my daily shenanigans has been a complete fail. I suppose I can try to pick it up from where I last left off. Better late than never.

I've successfully completed my first year as a dental student. This year went by so fast (yet so slow) at the same time. I'm just happy I've got one year under my belt. Three more years to go. Actually, there's no point in me talking about my school life. It is what it is and professionalism must be maintained whether I like it or not.

In terms of everything else, I think I'm still in the process of mastering the art of action and reaction. Looking back, and as evidently stated in my previous posts, I was depressed for what it seemed like an eternity. I just didn't know how to cope with living alone in a foreign country, interacting with people on a strictly superficial level, accepting the fact that the love of my life isn't actually the love of my life (this was definitely the hardest), and trying to find people that I could connect with. About 5 months ago, I decided to do something I don't normally do... venture out of my comfort zone and live life... and slowly, I became happier. At first, I was reluctant because it felt like I was merely escaping from my mental torture without actually resolving the problems... and my approach to resolution is always targeting the root of the problem. But I thought if I had been unsuccessful for 7 months, why not try a different method? That's when I started to live life with a YOLO approach... as mindnumbingly dumb as that sounds. Life's all about learning anyway... and boy did I learn...

I'm actually extremely hungover right now and can't formulate proper sentences. I think I'll let my mind wander and come back to this thing later.