Recap

I can't believe how quickly time is passing by. I suppose I should let out a brain dump before life passes by even more. Contrary to my last post, my Christmas was actually really nice. My brother came down from Toronto so it was lovely to spend some quality time. I think it was the first time in 8 years we've had him down for Christmas.

Today, my parents hosted a dinner party for the people at my mom's church. 6 hours later and I am still full. I love me some Korean food. I was a little worried at first because I didn't want to be the designated babysitter of the night. Not that I'm bad with kids, it's just that... I don't want to deal with them. Ok... maybe that means I'm bad with kids. Lucky for me, they were entertained enough by TV. One of the little boys was someone I knew since the day he was born. Today, he is in Grade 2. I remember talking like a baby to him (the typical goo-goo, ga-ga) and now, he is more than capable of carrying out a conversation with me. It's crazy. Kids are growing up so fast. And by default, I'm getting old. *sniffles*

Ho Ho Ho

Christmas is coming so soon. I'm not going to lie - I don't really look forward to Christmas. I just feel empty and lonely around this time of year. When I was younger, I used to get so excited and feel fuzzy inside but now, not so much since every negative emotion seems to get amplified by the power of 10. I mean, it's nice to hang out with family and friends but I just... feel... empty. I don't really know how else to describe it. Plus, seeing everyone else being jolly doesn't really help. Then comes the New Year, which actually feels worse than Christmas. It's just another day. I don't understand why our society has turned to the idea of starting with a clean slate on this day. It's as if we're promoting that it's totally ok to be a complete idiot for just one night, because tomorrow we're going to become a fresh new person that we've always wanted to become, but have been unsuccessful in the past. In another words... fail.

Perception

I think age is relative to what kind of environment you subject yourself to. When I graduated from University, I felt incredibly old. I saw a bunch of first-years worry about their midterms and third-years worry about their MCATs, and muttered to myself "wow... I'm too old for this now". But now, I'm meeting my dental colleagues and I'm the youngest one so far. Actually, right now, I feel young again. I guess age is merely a number that is bounded by our societal beliefs and expectations.

One of my students in grade 8 was telling me about her day at school - high school kids smoking weed near an elementary school. At first, I was surprised that she even knew what weed was... because I had to think to myself "did I even know what that was when I was in grade 8?" I don't ever recall but today is a different generation so I must stop thinking that the world is spinning the way it did when I was young (and from this statement alone, I feel old again). Anyway, children aren't stupid. They probably know all of the things that you don't want them ever knowing about. Now, I feel like Holden Caulfield... as if I need to do something to protect their innocence. Such is life.

Procrastination

The one thing that is turning me off altogether from getting this application finished for residences is that I have to write an autobiography and talk about my various achievements. Given my pseudo-narcissistic tendencies, you would think that I would enjoy talking about myself in the most positive way possible but I am so over it at this point in my life right now. I'm in dental school, thereby already fulfilling one of my life goals, so why do I still have to do this?! My lazy-self is telling me to copy and paste my personal statement essay I wrote last year, since it accurately describes myself in an "intelligent, well-written manner" but another part is telling me actually google what to even write in an autobiography in case aforementioned essay fails to be "all encompassing".

I should get back to work. Neo...

Me Vs. Virus

I have officially caught a cold as I am now sick.

Headaches + inability to swallow without discomfort + runny nose + sneezing at random intervals = recipe for a disastrous day... and night... and everything else in between.

I'm going to sleep.

Life as of Late

My blog gets neglected too easily. I wish I would somehow incorporate a set time to sit down, unwind and reflect on my day but we all know that's not going to happen. Maybe in January, I'll have more exciting things to share. I'm still trying to get used to this "open" blog idea. It's hard not to blog out of emotion, since it can be interpreted as offensive (or entertaining if you have a sense of humour). When I first started, I basically let it all out because it was my blog, therefore, I believed I had the power to say whatever I wanted and however I wanted to say it (aka. teenage angst). I also hoped that if people did not like my blog, they would x out of it and never come back. Oh, naivety. Since this blog will document my upcoming professional life, I want to keep it tamed, or at least express myself within the boundaries of genuine respect and/or concern.

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with my family and friends before the big move. It still hasn't hit me yet... and I don't think it will until I step on the airplane. Even then, four years doesn't seem like a very long time to me (considering how fast my undergrad years have flown by). But, I've been living at home my whole life so it will definitely be an adventure to step out of my comfort zone. In the mean time, I'm accompanying a sax studio at the University; it keeps me busy and I've been reminded why every pianist wants to play for singers instead. Whatever, I appreciate challenge. I've been also getting into The Big Bang Theory. I was never into TV sitcoms but I seriously love this show (as in watching 6 episodes in a row) and I'm slightly bummed that I didn't realize it sooner.

C'est la vie

I unintentionally and almost innately take everything personally. It works against me more than it works for me. I often don't understand sarcasm, especially when used in a serious manner, and I get attached to things too easily. Over the years, I've been caring for those who do not care about me, based on the past promises made by these people. It makes you question whether the friendship that you shared was a lie, or even if there was some element of truth, how can you change into an unrecognizable person altogether? It's so awkward to see someone that was once your best friend, and all you can both do is carry out a typical greeting conversation, as if you two don't know each other. That is such bullshit.

I really struggled with this concept because I felt like everyone was living their life, moving forward, while I was waiting in the same spot, hoping they come back and fill the void. After a while, I have accepted the fact that friends become strangers over time, and those who do, were never my true friends in the first place, even though, at the time, I believed otherwise. This is why I'm really reluctant on opening my heart with people. Perhaps I've been sharing myself with the wrong people and maybe I take this meaning of friendship way too seriously.

Half Full

I don't think I've ever been this happy in a really long time so I'm going to embrace it and soak it all up. At times, I feel it's inappropriate to express my happiness publicly because I know there are people that are going through hell (trust me, I've been there) and since I know what that feels like, I feel the need to keep my mouth shut (let's face it - when your world is crumbling, the last thing you need is a peppy person declaring how great their life is). But according to Newton, what goes up must come down so I know this feeling isn't going to last forever.

So let me unabashedly say, I am happy and I am blessed. God definitely has tested me throughout the years but ultimately, He has been faithful while I've been incredibly human. I know and realize I am not the "model citizen" for Christ - in fact, I'm at the other end of the spectrum. But God has mercy on me and His grace is enough. I'm thankful.

A New Beginning

I am back on this thing called a blog.

A month ago, I completely shut it down in an attempt to protect my privacy because I had a revelation that no one can be trusted and my own thoughts can be manipulated to work against me. My blog itself was an oxymoron - it was open to the public and I wrote some very colourful things but I never really advertised it to anyone. So, in a way, it was private to me. If I had given myself some time to think and digest things through, I probably wouldn't have made such a rash decision. But desperate times called for desperate measures. Now, all I have with me are fading memories.

Since I'm starting a new chapter in my life, I hope to use this as an outlet to free my mind in a positive manner (although not guaranteed). I want to document the upcoming 4 years of my life as a dental student and hopefully I can look back on this and smile.

:)