Life

I think it's safe to say I'm slowly losing faith in humanity. I just can't seem to trust anyone... not that I was ever sure of trusting anyone in the first place... but it's just sad that even the slight glimmer of hope I've had is starting to fade. According to experienced beings, this is apparently life. I don't want to believe them but then maybe I'll forever be living in naivety.

When I talk to people my age, they tell me I'm jaded; when I talk to people older than me, they tell me I'm innocent. Perhaps I'm a bit of both. I guess this is another learning block in life and I have to deal with it but it's just such a sad realisation. All I want is genuineness. Is that too much to ask for? If I don't want to get played, I have to play the game... but do I even know how to play the game? It's just a massive headache. Why can't people be honest with and to each other? Honestly, what are you trying to accomplish in life? *sigh*

Re-Resurrection

I totally forgot that I even had this blog. My attempt at recording my daily shenanigans has been a complete fail. I suppose I can try to pick it up from where I last left off. Better late than never.

I've successfully completed my first year as a dental student. This year went by so fast (yet so slow) at the same time. I'm just happy I've got one year under my belt. Three more years to go. Actually, there's no point in me talking about my school life. It is what it is and professionalism must be maintained whether I like it or not.

In terms of everything else, I think I'm still in the process of mastering the art of action and reaction. Looking back, and as evidently stated in my previous posts, I was depressed for what it seemed like an eternity. I just didn't know how to cope with living alone in a foreign country, interacting with people on a strictly superficial level, accepting the fact that the love of my life isn't actually the love of my life (this was definitely the hardest), and trying to find people that I could connect with. About 5 months ago, I decided to do something I don't normally do... venture out of my comfort zone and live life... and slowly, I became happier. At first, I was reluctant because it felt like I was merely escaping from my mental torture without actually resolving the problems... and my approach to resolution is always targeting the root of the problem. But I thought if I had been unsuccessful for 7 months, why not try a different method? That's when I started to live life with a YOLO approach... as mindnumbingly dumb as that sounds. Life's all about learning anyway... and boy did I learn...

I'm actually extremely hungover right now and can't formulate proper sentences. I think I'll let my mind wander and come back to this thing later.

Update

I can't believe it's August already. It feels like October to me because it is so cold here in Australia. I just don't understand how freakin' cold 15C feels when I'm used to -15C weather. What has happened to me? Neooooo.

Semester 2 started a month ago, and it has been pretty relaxing, at least compared to last semester. I feel like this is the calm before the storm. We're doing more preclinical stuff (and less OSF ^^) so I'm enjoying that very much even though some days I just want to crawl up in a fetal position. My dummy (Mr. Crooks) is the best patient I will ever have so I guess I shouldn't complain.

I think I'm getting used to Australia now. I'm not as homesick as before and am less of an emotional wreck. Or maybe I'm just getting better at suppressing things? Or processing things? Hopefully the latter... At any rate, I'm happier than I was a few months ago, and that in itself is a stepping stone.

According to current events, it's 2012 Olympics. Even with technology, I still feel like I live under a rock. Should I be concerned about my own indifference and apathy towards the world's most anticipated event? Tell me I'm not the only one? (._.)

Trapped in a Bubble

My blog shouldn't be called "Documentary of a Dental Student', but rather "Life's Lowest Moments... Online" as I only resort to blogging when it feels like I've hit the bottom. Well, whatever the case is, I'm hoping it will be therapeutic for me because right now, I think I've hit an all time low. I don't think I'm ready to talk about that tonight...

I just want to be happy. When I dig myself out of a hole, I fall into another one; seems like my life's perpetual rhythm. The worst part of it is having to fake a smile in front of everyone - especially to the ones that I love.

Current State of Being

Most people may think I'm having the time of my life here in Australia... and perhaps I should, I'm not sure. Sadly, my life currently revolves around 2 places: my room and school. I don't really have the time to enjoy or appreciate things around me because well, for one, what is the point of living in a beautiful country when you don't have your family and friends to enjoy it with? And two, school and subsequent stress do not allow for such freedom. I really miss home. And at the same time, I shouldn't be like this because in a way, this a chance of a life time; not everyone gets to pack up, leave everything behind them and move to a new country to start a new chapter. I don't know. I feel like I'm on Survivor - I'm on a deserted island and I can't even leave or I have to win a challenge to be awarded a phone call from a family member (aka. talk on the phone for 3 hours then wait a whole month until the new plan comes). I have a hard time relating to people here - they're just so different from me and not having someone to connect with makes me really lonely. Maybe it's because I've gotten used to always having someone by me at all times- my ex. I don't know. I would really love to meet someone who will accept and like me for me, without any extra agenda. I really miss having that someone. It's been 4 months and I don't know how I am supposed to last.

This too shall pass

It is unbelievable how human I am... not that I've ever doubted that, but it's kind of sad to be so sure about it. I look forward to tomorrow hoping I will miraculously become this new person I've dreamt of yesterday, however there is something wrong if I am thinking the same thoughts night after night. I guess life is all about taking baby steps in order to avoid taking leaps, which is often followed by backward steps that take you further behind than what you've started with.

Let's remember this moment and start tomorrow as what I am, only with more self control.

Untitled

Life is all about choices and what you make of it.

Honesty and sincerity are rarities. Sly people are inevitably everywhere, wherever you go, whether it be on street corners or in professional settings. Integrity and self-worth are only important in public. Behind the scenes, consider them non-existent. Simplistically speaking, I see no difference between a thief and someone as respectable as a doctor; one is just better at execution. Life is all about short cuts. Even with hard work, there are short cuts. Take this road and be damned. Don't take this road and be screwed. Competition within self should drive ourselves to persevere. However, competition between others puts us back to our animalistic instincts.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, the more I live, I'm realizing life is not what it appears to be.

Quick Update

The purpose of starting this blog was to document my years in Australia but so far, I haven't even written anything. Oops. I don't even know where to start. I've been here for about 2 months now, but it literally feels like 2 years. Can you tell I'm already over it? or maybe I'm just homesick. My plane ride to Australia was ok... it is what it is... however, I had to take a taxi to my dorm since the person that was supposed to pick me up failed to show up. I kinda had a feeling this would happen to me so I wasn't too frazzled.

The first month or so, I lived in a really small room, which was hell to say the least. I didn't have my own bathroom so I had to share it with the people on my floor... I don't know how I survived. I'm proud of myself for enduring through that! I seriously took the shower nozzle back home for granted because the water comes out like little sprinkles here, thereby doubling my shower time. Also, I hated my neighbour because he would bring over his girlfriend and they would fornicate every night, and sometimes morning. I tried everything - ignoring, banging on my desk, writing notes, filing complaints... I'm so glad I don't have to deal with him anymore. Anyway, eventually I got to move and I'm happily living in my new room with my own very bathroom - which is all I really need.

I really enjoyed the first 3 weeks here and didn't miss home much - mostly because I was out and about, keeping myself busy and such... but now, I'm at a point where I just want to leave and go home to refresh because I miss my family, friends and familiar surroundings. I really don't know how I'm going to pull through for another 10 months. That is a mystery to me.

School is good. I guess I'll keep my opinions to myself.

I'm getting used to the Australian accent. I don't have to furiously wrap my brain around every word that comes out of an Aussie's mouth now. There are a few things I have gained during my stay in Australia so far:
1. Korean vocabulary - prior to coming here, my speaking abilities were that of an 8 year old but now, I have become more fluent (even my parents have noticed).
2. Artistic ability - I liked to draw as a kid. Keywords: liked and kid. Honestly, during practicals, all we do is draw... and compared to what I started with to what I have now, I have improved. I'm not sure how useful this will be in my life...
3. Weight - I'm at my heaviest right now. I can't even recognize my face sometimes when I look in the mirror. I need to cut out junk food... seriously, I never thought I would turn to junkfood for comfort. Sad.

OK. Back to work...

D-Day in Two

I try to avoid blogging at night because most of my ramblings turn out to be melodramatic incoherencies but I just need to somehow organize my thoughts so that I can sleep better later on. I just want to fast-forward to Wednesday because I hate having gatherings for goodbyes, preparing for goodbyes and actually saying goodbyes. My eyes feel like glass as I must have cried out a fountain's worth of tears. I know I will be back eventually but the whole concept of "life moving on with or without me" hurts me the most; the worst thing is, there's nothing I can do about it. Even when I visit to see my friends, I can't expect everything and everyone to be the way that I left them. I suppose it's the fact that I'll never be able to have the kind of moment I'm having now that makes me cry.

I just want to thank everyone for being so good to me. I never thought it would be this hard to say goodbye. I've always dreamt of leaving this city, and I probably looked forward for this day to come as a kid, but now, I just feel so sad yet so loved. I wish I was better at expressing myself because I wish these people knew how grateful I am for them.

Closure

It sucks dating someone with an expiry date. I feel like in 2 weeks, I'm going to lose him for life. In a way, and realistically speaking, I will... yet, there seems to be this frail string of hopeful "what-ifs" that I can't let go of. I never thought I would love anyone this much. If you asked me 3 years ago, or even last year, I probably wouldn't describe my love for him the way I feel today. But I think that's what love is supposed to be - it's supposed to grow day by day, and today, I love him so much to a point where I feel like I could give up everything for him. Of course there are qualities that I wish he didn't possess but it must be love when I can just be with him and still feel like the happiest person on earth. Looking back, I wish I had treated him better. I was a terrible girlfriend - egotistical, selfish and stubborn. I always felt it would take a special kind of character to not only be in love with me, but to withstand and accept my traits. And in a matter of days, all of this will vanish, and our past will be mere memories. We've gone through a lot. I bet people will say "I saw it coming" when we say our goodbyes... but I don't care what you say. I don't even think he realizes how much I love him since I rarely express myself well enough. In the end, all I have with me are happy memories. I just... don't know how I can ever love someone like that again.