D-Day in Two

I try to avoid blogging at night because most of my ramblings turn out to be melodramatic incoherencies but I just need to somehow organize my thoughts so that I can sleep better later on. I just want to fast-forward to Wednesday because I hate having gatherings for goodbyes, preparing for goodbyes and actually saying goodbyes. My eyes feel like glass as I must have cried out a fountain's worth of tears. I know I will be back eventually but the whole concept of "life moving on with or without me" hurts me the most; the worst thing is, there's nothing I can do about it. Even when I visit to see my friends, I can't expect everything and everyone to be the way that I left them. I suppose it's the fact that I'll never be able to have the kind of moment I'm having now that makes me cry.

I just want to thank everyone for being so good to me. I never thought it would be this hard to say goodbye. I've always dreamt of leaving this city, and I probably looked forward for this day to come as a kid, but now, I just feel so sad yet so loved. I wish I was better at expressing myself because I wish these people knew how grateful I am for them.

Closure

It sucks dating someone with an expiry date. I feel like in 2 weeks, I'm going to lose him for life. In a way, and realistically speaking, I will... yet, there seems to be this frail string of hopeful "what-ifs" that I can't let go of. I never thought I would love anyone this much. If you asked me 3 years ago, or even last year, I probably wouldn't describe my love for him the way I feel today. But I think that's what love is supposed to be - it's supposed to grow day by day, and today, I love him so much to a point where I feel like I could give up everything for him. Of course there are qualities that I wish he didn't possess but it must be love when I can just be with him and still feel like the happiest person on earth. Looking back, I wish I had treated him better. I was a terrible girlfriend - egotistical, selfish and stubborn. I always felt it would take a special kind of character to not only be in love with me, but to withstand and accept my traits. And in a matter of days, all of this will vanish, and our past will be mere memories. We've gone through a lot. I bet people will say "I saw it coming" when we say our goodbyes... but I don't care what you say. I don't even think he realizes how much I love him since I rarely express myself well enough. In the end, all I have with me are happy memories. I just... don't know how I can ever love someone like that again.

Recap

I can't believe how quickly time is passing by. I suppose I should let out a brain dump before life passes by even more. Contrary to my last post, my Christmas was actually really nice. My brother came down from Toronto so it was lovely to spend some quality time. I think it was the first time in 8 years we've had him down for Christmas.

Today, my parents hosted a dinner party for the people at my mom's church. 6 hours later and I am still full. I love me some Korean food. I was a little worried at first because I didn't want to be the designated babysitter of the night. Not that I'm bad with kids, it's just that... I don't want to deal with them. Ok... maybe that means I'm bad with kids. Lucky for me, they were entertained enough by TV. One of the little boys was someone I knew since the day he was born. Today, he is in Grade 2. I remember talking like a baby to him (the typical goo-goo, ga-ga) and now, he is more than capable of carrying out a conversation with me. It's crazy. Kids are growing up so fast. And by default, I'm getting old. *sniffles*

Ho Ho Ho

Christmas is coming so soon. I'm not going to lie - I don't really look forward to Christmas. I just feel empty and lonely around this time of year. When I was younger, I used to get so excited and feel fuzzy inside but now, not so much since every negative emotion seems to get amplified by the power of 10. I mean, it's nice to hang out with family and friends but I just... feel... empty. I don't really know how else to describe it. Plus, seeing everyone else being jolly doesn't really help. Then comes the New Year, which actually feels worse than Christmas. It's just another day. I don't understand why our society has turned to the idea of starting with a clean slate on this day. It's as if we're promoting that it's totally ok to be a complete idiot for just one night, because tomorrow we're going to become a fresh new person that we've always wanted to become, but have been unsuccessful in the past. In another words... fail.

Perception

I think age is relative to what kind of environment you subject yourself to. When I graduated from University, I felt incredibly old. I saw a bunch of first-years worry about their midterms and third-years worry about their MCATs, and muttered to myself "wow... I'm too old for this now". But now, I'm meeting my dental colleagues and I'm the youngest one so far. Actually, right now, I feel young again. I guess age is merely a number that is bounded by our societal beliefs and expectations.

One of my students in grade 8 was telling me about her day at school - high school kids smoking weed near an elementary school. At first, I was surprised that she even knew what weed was... because I had to think to myself "did I even know what that was when I was in grade 8?" I don't ever recall but today is a different generation so I must stop thinking that the world is spinning the way it did when I was young (and from this statement alone, I feel old again). Anyway, children aren't stupid. They probably know all of the things that you don't want them ever knowing about. Now, I feel like Holden Caulfield... as if I need to do something to protect their innocence. Such is life.

Procrastination

The one thing that is turning me off altogether from getting this application finished for residences is that I have to write an autobiography and talk about my various achievements. Given my pseudo-narcissistic tendencies, you would think that I would enjoy talking about myself in the most positive way possible but I am so over it at this point in my life right now. I'm in dental school, thereby already fulfilling one of my life goals, so why do I still have to do this?! My lazy-self is telling me to copy and paste my personal statement essay I wrote last year, since it accurately describes myself in an "intelligent, well-written manner" but another part is telling me actually google what to even write in an autobiography in case aforementioned essay fails to be "all encompassing".

I should get back to work. Neo...

Me Vs. Virus

I have officially caught a cold as I am now sick.

Headaches + inability to swallow without discomfort + runny nose + sneezing at random intervals = recipe for a disastrous day... and night... and everything else in between.

I'm going to sleep.