To put it simply, I realise I do a lot of stupid shit, and even worse, only come to this realisation once shit hits the fan. Maybe it's because I had a repressive childhood? strict parents? unconfined curiosity? the need to always present myself as the untainted wholesome good girl? sheer stupidity? IDGAF mentality? subconsciously seeking attention even though I hate it? Whatever the answer may be, it is no longer relevant since the outcome is always the same: in the end, I only have myself to blame. So yeah, I change my mind about 2014. Instead of finding happiness, I'll take two steps back and work on not being a *insert self-deprecating noun here*.

It is now 2014

In another words, "new year, new me". I've always kind of struggled with this false concept of starting off a new year with a clean slate. In a way, yes, it gives us hope in the sense that we are all starting off the race at the same time for self-betterment, but at the same time, old habits die hard and a new number on a calendar is nothing but some form of placebo, no? At any rate, different strokes for different folks, and I suppose I should be happy that 2013 is now behind me so I can start on a fresh new page. Huzzah!

Wake me up when September ends

When I was younger, I always prepared myself for the days, weeks, and even months to come but as I've gotten older, I find myself struggling to remember what month I'm in. A part of it has to do with being in Australia since the seasons have flopped, but it's mostly due to the fact that I've been so mentally drained that I'm just happy if I make it through the day alive. That came off a little melodramatic but when life consistently throws me lemons, I can only make lemonade for so long...

Only 2 more months and another year of dental school is done. How the hell did I survive this far? It's always fun to reflect in retrospect because I consistently surprise myself... in a good way, this time. It's kinda amazing to have something that seems so impossible at the time, become possible and on days blessed by the Lord, get to kick ass at it too. Maybe I shouldn't jump the gun... I still have 2 months.

I'm trying to live life with an open mind, albeit slowly. I know I have long ways to go but I think I have definitely made progress. I guess the only way to learn is to constantly test myself with others. One day I hope to survive on my own in the wilderness. Maybe that is too ambitious but tonight, I feel like a dreamer.

Prisoner of my own mind

Some days I think I'm batshit psycho for engulfing myself into scenarios that has yet to happen and emotionally investing myself into things that do not even exist. But sometimes, these gut-wrenching feelings are induced for a reason and in retrospect, I was never too far away from my imagination in the first place. Now the question lies, is this really happening right now? Because, just like in video games, there are many routes and if done right, I can dodge the bullets and become my own saviour. Have I already fallen in too deep? Why do I always have to live in paranoia?

I wish I could find some form of peace and happiness within myself. It seems like all my happiness comes from external sources for validation and affirmation. The sad thing is, that's how I've been my whole life, so it's not like I know any better. I wish I was independent and didn't rely on anyone to make me happy or feel loved. I'm always so emotionally invested that at the end of the day, I'm the one who drowns in my own pool of sorrow. Whenever I meet someone, I always prepare myself to be ready to leave at any given moment... and I do think I am capable... I just need some time to recuperate. But some days, I feel weak and wish for sunshine and rainbows... like guaranteed emotional stability.

Sleepy

I like to skim through my previous posts before blogging just to see where I last left off (not that it will contribute to continuity or have some form of cohesion) but I enjoy being reminded of my previous mental state. And, what the hell... why do I sound so depressed? 

I really needed this break and enjoyed my time in Korea, being surrounded by my family. They really do keep me grounded and motivate me to live a fulfilling life. Although my life isn't perfect by any means, I think I'm happier now. 

I want to elaborate on this but I'm too sleepy... Will continue later.

Lately I've been more emo than usual... and the fact that I am admitting this means I've probably been an emotional wreck for quite some time. At first I brushed it off, thinking I was having an off-day... but since this off-day has turned into weeks and now months, I am realising I should probably do something about it. It's always easier to find blame externally (which comes frighteningly natural to me), rather than looking at what's actually wrong with myself on the inside. Perhaps it's my thinking process, the way I perceive the world, or maybe I've got the foundation all wrong. I really don't have a definitive answer. Everything is just differential diagnosis... which doesn't make anything easier. I'm just going in circles now.

At any rate, upon self-reflection, I've deduced a flowchart that could explain one of many aetiological factors as to why I am the way I am:

Insecure => hypersensitive => extreme self-defense => unable to accept conflicting opinions => unadaptable => stubborn => perception as a narrow-minded bitch => ultimately misunderstood

Now, if I'm such an expert at unraveling my problems, why can't I solve my issues? Fuck, if only I had all the answers in the world...

On a different and unrelated note, I miss the piano. I don't miss performing on a fancy stage in a fancy dress. I miss playing with all the lights turned off, just looking out the window on a seemingly normal night to no audience. I miss listening to good artists... not the uber-known flying fingers, but the ones who can move me... the ones who can pierce the very center of my jaded heart and make me say "wow, that stings"